Jacob Winters answers e-mails

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Porecomesis
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Jacob Winters answers e-mails

Postby Porecomesis » Thu Aug 21, 2014 9:10 pm

Hey guys. Got a bit bored so I made this. :D

So after not having a lot to do, IF decided to employ Jacob as a Guild Member. This means he spends most of his days shut inside while the cute girls do all the fun things like beating up monsters in accordance to nonsensical plotlines and terrible dialogue. On the other hand, he does get to read some funny e-mails (according to you, anyway; he'd still rather be out there) which I will share with you now and will continue sharing with you for as long as his Internet connection lasts.


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To: Neptune
Subject: Re:A small request


Vert, hop off Neptune’s computer. I know it’s you; Neptune never bothers to fill in the subject line. Also, I can hear her in the lounge room. Don't think sneaking off to the toilet makes for good cover.

And regarding your request (or “Neptune’s” request), while I am flattered that you would like me to visit your Basilicom to aid you with a project, I am afraid I must decline. Now please never ask me again.

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To: Linda
Subject: Re:Need some help


Before I respond properly, how exactly did you and Pirachu get a computer? You two never really struck me as the types to break into a store and steal something; all you ever did was stay on the sidewalk and yell to get people to buy your useless stuff, which I imagine doesn’t get you the money to buy one, either. Also, how did you get this address?

In any event, you are correct. If I had the opportunity, I would in fact make the decisions in Neptune’s place if only to make things easier on poor Histoire. However, even if Neptune wasn’t surprisingly stubborn in refusing my earnest assistance, I still wouldn’t decrease patrols in shady areas to give the two of you more freedom to “jack shit up”. If anything, I’d just make it even harder on the both of you.

By the way, you know we can track you through this, right?

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To: Uni
Subject: Re:Panty thief!


Uni, in future, I think you should read your e-mails over again when you’ve written them to make sure they’re addressed to the right person. If I’m not mistaken, you meant to send this to Jinguji Kei.

In any event, I’m sorry to hear that someone stole every last pair of your underwear and I understand if you’re stressed that Noire isn’t helping much at all. She can be like that. Good lord, I was adventuring with Neptune once and Noire was more of a hindrance than a help. Granted, that was mostly because she was trying to kill us but part of it was because of her stubborn attitude which is what you’re dealing with and I think that’s what really matters in the end.

I think I might know who the culprit is, though, so I’ll see if I can help. In the meantime, I have two pieces of advice for you:

1) Buy a pair of shorts or pants. And I actually mean shorts or pants, not leggings or stockings or whatever.

2) You can always wear your bikini. After all, you wear it out on the battlefield anyway so I don’t see how you can’t use it to go shopping for more panties.

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To: Gust
Subject: Uni’s underwear


I know you’re the one who took them. If you haven’t already sold them, please return them to Lastation’s Basilicom as soon as possible. If you have already sold them, please get them back.

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To: Uni
Subject: Re:Panty thief!


That second bit was a joke to try and cheer you up. I don’t actually want to see you parade about in a bikini.

Also, I know you’re trying to be like your sister but you don’t need to write out your stammers in your e-mails. Stammering in real life is enough.

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To: Chika Hakozaki
Subject: Re:STAY AWAY FROM MY DEAREST VERT


I don’t know how you discovered my very brief exchange with Vert, considering she emailed me from Neptune’s PC and you shouldn’t have access to it, and I really don’t want to. I’ll leave that to the Network Security Department.

Chika, I will tell you the truth of the True Goddess: I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of “seducing” your beloved CPU. I don’t even have plans to date her, for I am not confident in my ability to meet her standards. For some reason I cannot fathom, she wants to use me as some sort of model for... I don’t even know. You should.

Also, for the record, please stop assuming that everyone who stands near Vert is trying to get under her skirt. It’s bad enough that people accuse me of it because I’m male.

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To: Gust
Subject: Re:Uni’s underwear


What makes me so sure it’s you is because you’re the only one with both the motivation and the skills to break into Uni’s room and steal her panties. And no I am not interested in buying the contact details from you. You sold — or were going to sell — stolen products. Now return them before I tell Nisa that you confided in me your painfully repressed desire to adventure for justice by her side.

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To: Gust
Subject: Re:Uni’s underwear


In that case, tell her I said hi. Also, I can tell her the plain truth and fetch the popcorn as she picks you up under her arm and dashes to Lastation as if someone got poisoned over there and only you can brew a cure.

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To: IF
Subject: Guild membership first impressions


Hey, IF. I hope you’re having a good day. Mine’s a bit average, to be completely honest.
You know, if you were to tell me I would get a lot of e-mails doing this job, I would have believed you. After all, being a Guild member means you have a lot of connections and you need to keep up with them to stay on top of any possible threats that may occur.

However, only half an hour has passed since I officially started this gig and I’ve already been through about eight e-mails where Uni’s underwear was stolen, Vert wanted me to model for something, Linda tried to get me to convince Neptune to change the law (do you want me to forward you that e-mail or do you actually need my computer to trace it?), and Chika really doesn’t like me. Is this normal? I want to be collaborating on and accepting jobs, not acting as a therapist for them.

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To: IF
Subject: Re:Guild membership first impressions


Compa doesn’t count for you. In this dimension, you two are childhood friends. Of course she messages you every minute; she’s worried you’ll get kidnapped again when she’s not looking.

My chief worry is that I’m worried this job will spiral downwards into a perpetual hell of meaninglessness and nonsensicality. I’d actually like to go and beat up a monster or two.

Unfortunately, I just got a new e-mail. Hope to hear back from you soon.

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To: Uni
Subject: Re:You know how I’m a long-range specialist, right?


I most certainly did not steal your panties and Gust most certainly was not reduced to tears as I coerced her into such a cruel prank that she couldn’t take anymore and burst from the pressure before returning your underwear to you. She stole them, plain and simple. She did this before. Remember when your underwear sold less than Rom’s spoon, which is still hilarious? When Gust sold off Nepgear’s memento of her sister, which was actually very cruel and not funny at all? I most certainly do not want your underwear. You’re not my type and, even if you were, several million people would kill me for making a pass at you and you know that I’m nothing if not pragmatic.

Also, you’re not really a long-range specialist; you kind of suck at the whole marksman thing.

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To: CyberConnect2
Subject: Re:Wanna cure that homesickness?


Thank you very much for the invitation but I do have to decline. Not because I’m getting swamped with messages — they’re all meaningless anyway and I can put them off whenever I want without impacting work at all — but I really do not want to go to Fukuoka. I can’t speak Japanese and I don’t think I’d be able to stomach much of the cuisine. I do get homesick from time to time but I assure you that it’s not that big of a deal and I have my ways of coping.

Still, thank you for giving me the least headache-inducing e-mail I’ve read today.

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To: CyberConnect2
Subject: Re:Wanna cure that homesickness?


Yes I am very sure I don’t want to go to Fukuoka.

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To: CyberConnect2
Subject: Re:Wanna cure that homesickness?


I am absolutely sure.

---

To: Nepgear
Subject: Re:I made something you might like


Don’t be so down on yourself. It’s a blessing to have a CPU Candidate like yourself. If I say so myself, out of the four, you are the most productive, powerful, determined, tactful, positive, kind-hearted, intelligent, and likely to achieve the best results in handling a problem. I will go so far as to say it’s a shame that you’re not actually our CPU.

Despite this, it is a wonderful invention but I really don’t want to use your new capsule thing to transform into a cute, busty girl around Noire’s age. I am quite comfortable being a boy.

---

To: CyberConnect2
Subject: Re:Wanna cure that homesickness?


Your e-mails are beginning to become headache-inducing.

---

To: Nepgear
Subject: Re:I made something you might like


You really underestimate Neptune if you think that will stop her from calling me “Sparky”.

---

To: CyberConnect2
Subject: Re:Wanna cure that homesickness?


Please leave me alone. Take Noire with you. She could use a holiday with an actual friend.

---
Last edited by Porecomesis on Tue Aug 26, 2014 3:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Wdog-999
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Re: Jacob Winters answers e-mails

Postby Wdog-999 » Thu Aug 21, 2014 9:23 pm

When the heck is Chapter 35 coming out?! Image

Regardless, this is interesting and funny so far. :D
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Thanks to TwilightStar for the sig! :D
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Re: Jacob Winters answers e-mails

Postby Porecomesis » Thu Aug 21, 2014 9:26 pm

Wdog-999 wrote:When the heck is Chapter 35 coming out?! Image

When I get around to it. Sorry. :cry: I kind of wrote this on a whim and it evolved from there.

Wdog-999 wrote:Regardless, this is interesting and funny so far. :D

Thanks. :D

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Re: Jacob Winters answers e-mails

Postby KoopaTroopinski » Thu Aug 21, 2014 9:46 pm

Image
I bet Jacob would love to go to Fukuoka.

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Re: Jacob Winters answers e-mails

Postby killer9i1994 » Thu Aug 21, 2014 9:47 pm

These are great, Pore. I'd love to see more.
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Re: Jacob Winters answers e-mails

Postby Porecomesis » Thu Aug 21, 2014 9:48 pm

KoopaTroopinski wrote:Image
I bet Jacob would love to go to Fukuoka.

I can assure you he would not.

killer9i1994 wrote:These are great, Pore. I'd love to see more.

I already have a few ideas ready. :D All I need to do is type them out along with more ideas to make the post more substantial.

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Re: Jacob Winters answers e-mails

Postby FANSean » Fri Aug 22, 2014 8:08 am

So when's the tumblr askblog

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Re: Jacob Winters answers e-mails

Postby Porecomesis » Fri Aug 22, 2014 8:10 am

FANSean wrote:So when's the tumblr askblog

Somewhen around never. I don't have any good reaction images at all much less enough to warrant making an entire blog of them.

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Re: Jacob Winters answers e-mails

Postby Excelsia » Fri Aug 22, 2014 9:09 am

Hah! I thoroughly enjoyed these. Nice job, Pore.

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Re: Jacob Winters answers e-mails

Postby Porecomesis » Fri Aug 22, 2014 9:10 am

Excelsia wrote:Hah! I thoroughly enjoyed these. Nice job, Pore.

Thank you very kindly. :D

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Re: Jacob Winters answers e-mails

Postby DragonKingKaiser » Sat Aug 23, 2014 4:18 am

That's quite a bit of hatred you got going for ya Jacob. I thought you'd be the last person Chika would assume is trying to get under Verts skirt. And Uni? How can she not automatically assume Gust was the culprit?
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Re: Jacob Winters answers e-mails

Postby Porecomesis » Sat Aug 23, 2014 6:24 am

DragonKingKaiser wrote:That's quite a bit of hatred you got going for ya Jacob. I thought you'd be the last person Chika would assume is trying to get under Verts skirt. And Uni? How can she not automatically assume Gust was the culprit?

Chika's very protective of her CPU and everyone in Gamindustri is about as sharp as a crayon.

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Re: Jacob Winters answers e-mails

Postby Liexi » Sat Aug 23, 2014 7:09 am

lol, these are hilarious Pore. I'd like to see more if possible. Also need to catch up on your fic.
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Re: Jacob Winters answers e-mails

Postby Porecomesis » Sat Aug 23, 2014 7:31 am

Liexi wrote:lol, these are hilarious Pore. I'd like to see more if possible. Also need to catch up on your fic.

Thank you very much. :D

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Re: Jacob Winters answers e-mails

Postby DragonKingKaiser » Sun Aug 24, 2014 1:44 pm

Do you have the emails that they sent Jacob? I'd like to see those. Probably be even funnier. And if they're in your fanfic, then I probably don't remember them because I haven't been entirely caught up with your story and only recently reread chapter 17.
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