I am having way too much fun with this.
It shows. Here's another one from you:
Subject: Re:Oh ho ho!
I don't know what part of the tome you got that from but I can assure you that that’s not true at all. I’m thinking you read the passage out of context. I suggest you go back over it and read more. You didn’t forget to bookmark the page, right? Just so you know, the bookmarks and sticky notes are in the third drawer to the right in the second desk from the third room on the 32nd floor (assuming no one’s stolen them again).
‘Blackmail’ material aside, do you remember the last time you tried to take the tome outside with you? Yeah, you used it as a lunch plate and almost lost it. Thank God Vert was visiting at the time; we wouldn’t have been able to catch up to Linda otherwise. Anyway, the guards and turrets are there to make sure that doesn't happen again.
But anyway, I don’t think you’re going to convince anyone that it’s true. Heck, I don’t even believe it. Do you at least have a scan or a photo, something tangible to share with me that can give you credibility? I don’t think saying you found it in a book you struggle to stay awake to read and try to escape from every chance you get as my car would be able to attest to if it was still living with us would go very far as proof.